Failure at adulting

I can’t seem to get anything right at the moment. I’m forgetting stuff, doing stuff wrong, and I’m constantly grumpy.

Part of that is the time of year – I hate the summer. I hate the sun and the heat, trying to fit my gross over weight carcass into shorts and what have you. No one needs to see that!

My ASD son, bless him, is at his most annoying at the moment too, just being in the room with him is irritating right now. I can’t cope with anything.

So I am failing epically at adulting right now. I don’t want to keep going, I want everyone to just fuck off and leave me alone. I want it to be cold, I want to wear jeans and hoodies and just be alone to read.

FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK.

Tiresome Tuesday

I dunno whether there’s something in the water or if it’s a full moon but my kids have been on one today.

The day started well, with them very annoyed about having to go to school… I mean, the cheek of it! Fancy having to go to school o a school day!

Thankfully they were someone else’s problem for a few hours, but then they came home…

It was all good start with, we made some cakes and played with the railway:

But oh, the bickering! Peter is in one of his righteous moods, where he isn’t technically doing anything wrong but his constant comments and observations make me want to throw something at him. And Toby’s attitude could rival that of Kevin (of Kevin and Perry fame), he is so cheeky! He got sent to his room in the end for mouthing off.

Thankfully there was always kettlebells to alleviate the stresses of the day!

Sunday Delight

Today I had a lot of fun with my kids, which makes a nice change to be honest.

After church, we took the boys swimming which I didn’t want to do because swimming with the boys isn’t swimming, it’s being drowned repeatedly, but my husband really wanted to do lengths and he can’t do that with Toby because Toby can’t swim and you can’t leave him alone, bobbing about in the shallow end at Peter’s hands…

This afternoon has been lovely though.

Richard and Peter spent some together (not fighting for a change) playing Mario Kart (although I suspect there was no arguing simply because Rich let Peter win, but whatever works, right?)

Toby and I did some jigsaw puzzles of animals, and it amazes me that no matter how many times it is explained to him, he still doesn’t know to start with the edge pieces…

Then we did some crafts. We did some beading and some sewing. He made a bookmark of a house, I made him a friendship bracelet with aeroplanes on it, and he made a picture of a shark out of pearls. I don’t know why.

We rounded off the day with the most amazing roast… yum!

And that was Sunday!

Parenting fail. Again.

It seems to me that parenting is just a series of failings, with the occasional success thrown in to make you think it’s worth keeping going.

And of course it’s worth keeping going. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

This morning, the kids were fighting before I’d even made it out of bed. Peter had got up early and was already on his way back upstairs to get dressed before Toby had made it to the breakfast table. So naturally they had to argue about it, because they’re awake and breathing, so therefore arguing. Peter then does his holier-than-thou thing about telling Toby “well, if only you’d done this…” and he got told to keep out of it.

Cue much screaming, shouting, banging of doors and smashing of something – I haven’t made it into his room yet to see what he’s smashed this time. Probably something that will turn out to be mine that I didn’t know he had and I won’t be able to complain about because it will set him off all over again.

I then fucked up the rest of the morning by losing my shit and telling him that I was a crap mum and that if we were all lucky I’d get hit by a bus today and it wouldn’t be a problem for him any more.

Mature huh?

He was in tears at the school gates. Did I hug him and say sorry and try to make it better? No, I did not. I made it ten times worse by telling him, in very reasonable tones, to tell his teacher that he’d had a rubbish morning and that his mum was useless and could he please go into care?

He went off in a state.

I now want to put my head through the wall.

Solitary isolation? Yes please!

So, yes, we have the dreaded big C in our house. My husband Richard has all the symptoms and 3 negative LFTs and a negative PCR, so he seems to just have a cold.

Me and the kids all tested positive with no symptoms, so there’s that.

Since testing though, I have been quite poorly. Coughs and breathlessness and just generally feeling run down. The kids are fine. It’s not been much fun trying to keep them from killing each other while feeling like crap myself. Richard is working still, so he has decamped to the bedroom while I’m downstairs with the boys. We have made pom pom planets and papier-mache planets and Peter has drawn many pictures of the solar system (I do love an ASD child’s obsession!) and we have watched many, many YouTube videos about the solar system (or possibly the same one repeatedly…). I feel I know enough about our solar system to join NASA now.

Tobes has rediscovered Mario Galaxy, which is ok until Peter gets involved and then there are tears and screaming and I can’t really cope with it.

I know we have to isolate from the rest of the world, and I am happy to do so, to keep vulnerable people safe. But I do wish that I was in real, proper isolation for the week. Alone with nothing but books and tea for company.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, they’re brilliant and funny and clever. But they are full on and I am not feeling well! When I think about isolation, it’s just that – isolation. Alone. Just me.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are lots of people out there who are alone all the time and hate it. I wish I could help them – they are welcome to borrow the boys – but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like being stuck inside the house all day every day just me and the kids. It’s ok for me to want to get out and do my exercise classes or see my mum or just get some air! I won’t though!

Still, tomorrow is day 5 and we can test, and if negative, again on Friday and then if that’s negative, we are good to go!

January’s Delights

May be an image of book, indoor and text that says "CARAHUNTER the Dar Stars Jojo Moyes LILY Rose Tremain OMIDNIGHT IN MARIE BRENNAN IN ASHES LIE LISA EWELL THEN SHE WAS GONE BRISTOL 294 CITY"

Right then, here we go, new year, new titles!

So, I started 2022 with an easy to read Lisa Jewell, Then She Was Gone, all about a woman who lost her daughter at the age of 15 (the daughter was 15, not the woman) – she was taken from the street on her way to the library. The story follows the mother and jumps back and forth between then and when Ellie was taken. It was ok, a standard thriller. People rave about Lisa Jewell, but I remain unconvinced…

In Ashes Lie is the second in the Onyx Court series, this one set during the reign of Charles 1st, his death and the takeover by Oliver Cromwell, but all told from the underground faerie domain, the Onyx Court which lies beneath London, and the fates of the human monarchs are intertwined with that of the faerie rulers… It’s really very good.

Midnight in Everwood and Lily were two unexpected library books which jumped out at me while getting books with the kids. I have so many TBRs that I don’t bother with library books but these were too good to turn down. To see more about these two books, see my previous post, Borrowed Joy…

I next read The Giver of Stars by Jojo Moyes. Now, I will be honest and say that I wasn’t convinced by this to begin with. Not because of the book itself, but I’d read the blurb of Me Before You and those books and they are categorically NOT my thing, and also, (judgemental bitch alert!) – the name Jojo for a grown ass woman put me right off. Well, I could not have been more wrong. It took a long time to get going, and at one point I thought I’d been proved right, but I was not. The last half of the book is excellent, what a strong story of womanhood, of friendship, of love and bravery and being true to yourself.

I followed that with a trip down memory lane (a very old memory lane, I haven’t read this since I was about 12!) with the Borrowers Omnibus. What a lovely, lovely set of stories that is. Exciting, and nothing lost from knowing what was going to happen next. I remember putting my little Oh Penny people under the clock at home when I was little… So tempted to go to mum and dad’s and do that again! Reading this again as an adult though gave me a totally different viewpoint of the Borrowers’ plight, and how brave is Homily? The bravest, most courageous character in the whole book. There you go, women winning again…

Then I rounded off the month with In the Dark by Cara Hunter, the second in the DI Adam Fawley series – I do love a detective series, me. Very exciting, and a clever twist! Some of the women don’t come out of this one so well, just to balance things up a bit!

So, ratings are as follows:

Then She Was Gone: ⭐⭐⭐

In Ashes Lie ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Midnight in Everwood ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Lily ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Giver of Stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Borrowers Omnibus ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

In the Dark ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Borrowed joy

So, this post marks the beginning of my foray into book blogging. Which, as I understand it, is basically me wittering on about books, and saying what I thought and whether I enjoyed it or not.

I am not going to write about every single book I read otherwise I would never stop typing, but I will write about the ones I enjoy the most, or the ones that speak to me the most.

This month, for the first time in absolutely ages, I went to the library and borrowed two books, both brand new (and I have a horrible feeling I might have jumped the queue on them, but you can take that up with the librarian!): Midnight in Everwood by M A Kuzniar and Lily: A Tale of Revenge by Rose Tremain.

I’ll start with Midnight in Everwood. This is a partial retelling of The Nutcracker. Set in 1906, it tells the story of Marietta, a twenty year old woman who loves to dance. She is about to take the lead role in the upcoming Christmas ballet Sleeping Beauty, but she has been told by her rich socialite parents that this is her last dance; after that she is to stop dancing and get married and do the “right thing” by society. But Marietta just wants to dance. She sees her brother Frederick trying to squash who he really is (a gay painter) and become the straight, married lawyer his parents expect him to be. She sees his pain and doesn’t want that to be her life.

Shortly before the performance, a new man moves into the area, a German named Dr Drosselmeier who is an inventor, a creator of the most amazing mechanical, clockwork toys. He offers to build the set for the show, which is being held in the Grand Ballroom of Marietta’s family home.

On Christmas Eve, Marietta sneaks into the ballroom to see the set before the show on Christmas Day. Drosselmeier appears and asks her to marry him. Marietta, who finds Dr D rather creepy (because he IS!) says no. Dr D is very insistant, and in an attempt to escape him, Marietta climbs into a large grandfather clock (as you do…) and just like Lucy, suddenly realises that the ground beneath her beslippered feet is crunchy snow….

She finds herself in a snowy wood at twilight. She wanders through the wood, and comes across a beautiful little village, looking just like something off a Christmas card – all thatched roofs and snow and what have you. However, as charming as it all seems, she is told to “get out of town” by the townsfolk. Before she can do so, however, she is found by the castle guard and taken to the palace which over looks the village. The palace is beautiful, made from spun sugar and held under a spell to keep it in place. The king is delighted to see her and insists that she stay and dance. Marietta agrees, despite everyone telling her to get away as soon as she can, to leave, to go home. She soon comes to learn that she should have listened…

What follows is a story of fear and danger, of love and friendships and loss. Marietta finds true friendship for the first time, and discovers what it is to be a friend, to risk yourself for others, and have others risk themselves for you.

She falls in love and is loved in return and it is a beautiful relationship – but there is SUCH an awkward sex scene towards the end that just didn’t work and was sooooo jarring within the context of the book, and the writing itself; it was clunky and awkward, like the author just shoe horned it in – possibly because this was her first “adult novel” and she suddenly remembered that she could put in a sex scene if she liked. It didn’t work (for me anyway!).

I would love to have a sequel to this, sex scenes aside, as the ending, while tying things off fairly well, in general, sort of leaves a few things hanging and it would be good to know how they all end.

Nonetheless, this book gets a solid 4 stars from me! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Lily by Rose Tremain was totally different. Lily is a murderer.

Actually, Lily is a foundling child in Victorian London. She is discovered, less than a day old, in a park about to be eaten by wolves, by a local policeman and taken to the foundling hospital. She is then send to live with Nellie and Perkin Buck in the middle of nowhere in Suffolk where she spends six happy years growing up as one of the family, the youngest of 4 – the other three are Nellie and Perkin’s real sons, but they love Lily as their own. but sadly, as the rules state, at the age of six, Lily is sent back to the hospital to be trained ready for a job – in service, or as an apprentice of some kind. Poor Lily has no idea what is happening and what follows is a a few years of terrible abuse at the hands of evil Nurse Maud. Lily does her best but she won’t be cowed by the woman. No one will listen to these “unwanted, sinful children” and Lily and her friends just have to put up with it.

The story jumps back and forth between the current day (in the book, not today!) and lily’s childhood. So we start with Lily admitting to herself what she has done, then gradually as the book goes on, we understand what she has done and why, and how.

It was a sad story, and I think it had a happy ending of sorts but it was very moving and beautifully written. Another solid 4 stars here! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

So there we have it, an attempt at a couple of reviews of two very good books. Hope you enjoyed them, and feel inspired to read them!

Trigger points

Well, it’s been a while! I have been intending to come back to writing a blog/stream of consciousness/gibberish for months, but never got round to it, until the other day when I had a bit of a triggering moment on the school run and it made me think.

So I was walking home from dropping the kids at school on Monday (2 days ago) and it was a gorgeous frosty morning, everything was white and sparkling and cold. There was a car parked on the side of the road with the engine running while the driver waited for the windscreen to defrost. For no reason at all, I was hit with a wave of panic as I remembered the cold and frosty mornings where I would do the same, before 8am, trying to get Peter into the car, possibly Toby too, having to go to work which made me panicky on its own, having to drop the kids at my mother in law’s, which I hated doing, because I don’t like her (let’s be honest here, if I can’t be honest on something like this, then what’s the point?).

Now, I don’t do that anymore. Thanks to Covid I work from home 4 days a week in a job that is repetitive but I enjoy nonetheless, with a boss I really get on with. Not that I didn’t get on with my previous colleagues, in the main, but still… She’s a good friend as well as a boss, even if she does support the worst football team in the world! I rarely get that sinking, sick feeling in my tummy these days so when I did, it took me a moment to work out what the problem was.

The last time I can remember feeling that way, since leaving my last job, was when I was driving across the Downs, which was my journey to work then. Not an area I go to very often, as I live and work some miles to the south of the city and rarely go that way. The only things on that side of the city are my in laws, and I avoid going there as much as possible – and we go a different way anyway, up the river rather than through town. I remember coming out of a turning at the top of Whiteladies Road sometime last year, or possibly even 2020, and being hit with a wave of panic as I remembered what it was like being in that area, going to and from work or appointments.

It’s rubbish because I enjoyed working there for such a long time. I still don’t know exactly what caused my “breakdown” in 2019; possibly just a combination of lots of little things. Monday.com was a big part of it! 😂

I don’t know whether I will always be bothered by these little reminders. But if I am, that’s OK. Because as rubbish as it made me feel for a moment (and the fact it’s still on my mind 2 days later), the fact that I was walking HOME, to my house where I am safe, is massive. I wasn’t going to work, to a job that had become a chore. I wasn’t going to my mother in law’s house, who, while I will never like her, I can tolerate much more now. My children were safe and happy at school. I was going home to spend my much-loved day off lying in bed reading, watching TV and sewing (not all at once!), before heading to ReBounce later that evening, which is one of my favourite things to do.

Life is far from easy, but I am nonetheless blessed beyond imagination some days. 🥰

Lent #6

Forgot to write yesterday!

Yesterday was easier. Back to work, kept me busy most of the day. Had an early lunch (before 12) so it was a long afternoon, and I was very ready for tea! Pork stir fry, yummy!

The boys had sausage and chips for tea, just like in The Tiger Who Came For Tea, so naturally they had to have ice cream afterwards! And so did I… But it was pudding!

I think if I was Jesus in the desert, I could have coped refusing to turn rocks into bread, but if the devil offered me ice cream with chocolate orange sauce and a white Twix… I think I would have failed. Good thing I’m not Jesus really…. 🤣

Lent #5

Wow, today was hard work.

The kids were on one all day. We went to the park but it was freezing, so we went to soft play but it was closed so we bought loads of snacks and went home to watch the never ending Peter Rabbit film. Again.

That was a challenge! Pringles, Pom Bears, Magic Stars, chocolate, Skittles… There they were one on either side of me, munching away! I made do with an apple (which doesn’t count as snacking because: fruit) and a cup of tea.

Naturally the little buggers wouldn’t eat their tea after that but Peter was demanding snacks at half 7!

I feel very strong by eschewing all those nibbly sweet things earlier and am very much looking forward to my pudding later. I’ve also lost about 3lb since I started doing this (roughly; my scales aren’t great), which was a hoped-for side effect.

Naturally, the theme for this morning’s sermon was the temptations of Jesus, and I thought a bit more today, as I found it quite tough, about the things he was asked to do. Turning stones into bread sounds like an easy thing to refuse, because it’s utterly impossible. But if I had the power to do something like that, and I was starving in the desert, then I can see why I might give it a go. I’m not starving by any stretch of the imagination, but I am finding myself hungry between meals, and I am a little shocked at how often I find myself reaching for the biscuits. How much harder it must have been to know that I could have all the biscuits in the world with a click of my fingers, only to know that I mustn’t.

I’m infinitely glad I don’t have that power by the way – can you imagine the size of my arse after all those biscuits! 🍑 #inappropriate

I stayed strong, I’ve had two lots of tomato pasta from the vat I made yesterday, and I am allowing myself some ice cream later as pudding – not a snack!